How my feelings always find a way to surface and how I hold space for them

What are you hiding from?

What are you not willing to see, to feel?

Where are you turning to vices, distractions, to avoid being present with yourself?

What if you eliminated all of these things, what’s there for you?

Questions I found myself journaling on this morning.

Last week I decided to do a juice cleanse

It was a long time coming. After weeks of partying, of feeling trauma in my body, of falling back into old coping patterns. My body was screaming for a reset.

As I went to place the order I hovered over the options. Three days or five days. Three should be easy enough, five would be a challenge. I wanted to challenge myself so I ended up deciding on the five-day cleanse.

The first three days were easy. I started on a Friday and chose to keep to myself all weekend to really honour the cleanse. But come Monday things felt harder.

As soon as I was back in the swing of meetings and work I felt things coming up in my body. Overwhelm. Resistance. To-do lists to follow through.

Noticing how I keep doing this to myself. Taking on so many tasks. Over-promising my time. Whereas if I was just upfront with my clients and gave them realistic timelines I would feel so much more spacious. 

And this should come easily because all the people I work with are a stand for honouring yourself and putting your needs first. Yet years of people-pleasing makes it difficult for me to set those boundaries.

I’m getting better. But I still notice this playing out.

So yesterday when I succumbed to food 3.5 days into my five-day cleanse, I knew it was about something deeper.

I was agitated, I couldn’t stop thinking about food, and in the end, I caved.

I just needed to feel

I did so without shaming myself. I was proud I made it that far. Initially, I was only going to do the three days but I wanted to push myself that little further, see if I could do it.

This is the first time I’ve done this type of fast in years so for me that was a big accomplishment in itself.

And I achieved all the things I set out to during that time. I had multiple new articles published on Medium, built out my new program Creatrix Codes, read books, and so much more, so I felt complete.

But there was the small part of me that still felt guilty. I realised I was turning to food to avoid feeling.

And in the end, I couldn’t escape. The feelings surfaced anyway. Sparked by a video of a friend’s sister singing a song that moved me deeply.

Which made me feel all the frustration, the sadness, the anguish about the way our country is being pushed into further separation.

As I watched the song over and over I allowed the waves of emotion to move through me. I cried, I wailed, I sighed, I laughed. I let it all out.

I held myself without judgement and let myself feel the pent up feelings.

And right after I allowed myself to go there I recognised exactly why I had turned to food. It wasn’t because I was hungry. It was to distract myself. 

I realised how much food is a vice for me. I’m pretty good at allowing myself to feel. I make space for self-enquiry each day. I journal, I dance, I self-pleasure. 

But there are still times when I see my emotions as getting in the way. Where I berate myself because I have too much to get done. So instead of just sitting in the feelings, I seek out other distractions and then I’m not productive anyway.

Reflecting on this today I realise how this all played out perfectly. I received exactly what I needed from this cleanse.

Because it allowed me to notice this pattern within myself. So I don’t see it as a failure. I see it as finding an even deeper level of understanding of where I still turn to vices.

New perspectives

Through that allowing of feelings, through that new layer of introspection, I was able to come to this conclusion.

I see how all of this is necessary. I see how much I and so many other people have gained from this period of being forced to slow down, to ground, to turn within.

I also see how many people are in a perpetual state of fear, how many people are suffering, how many don’t have the community and support systems I’m lucky enough to have.

I feel the division. The anger.

I try not to focus on this because I choose for that not to be my reality. But it’s there in the back of my mind. And if I don’t allow myself to feel it, it stays in my body. So I have to let it out.

I feel guilt and sadness that I’m not staying as connected to my family. The thought of going to Perth and getting stuck there or having to do things against my values frustrates me. It angers me that it’s even come to this, that health has been politicised, so I just distance myself completely.

Choose things that allow me to feel free and safe within. Focus on me.

I know this hurts people I love. And my only hope is that they can feel my love from a distance. That despite the space, love knows no bounds and still exists.

I think about my Nonni, when they left Italy they did so knowing they may never see their families again.

Had I have known the last time I went to Perth 3 years ago, that it would be this long between visits, would I have done things differently?

It didn’t even cross my mind that travel would become so limited. Why would it? It was such a constant in our lives.

But if all of this didn’t happen. Would I have met my soul family? Would I be feeling as invigorated, excited and turned on by my life as I am now?

No.

So I keep coming back to that. I am so deeply in love with where I’m at in my life right now. I love the community I’m surrounded by, the projects we’re working on, the way we get to touch people’s lives.

I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.

I feel freer than I’ve ever felt.

I know no matter what happens, no one can ever take that away from me because it’s a feeling I cultivate from within.

I am growing, evolving, and quantum leaping every day.

And whenever I return to the present moment I know everything is happening exactly as it should.

I get to choose how I feel. I get to make the most of this time to exponentially improve my life and hopefully impact others at the same time.

I’ve aligned myself with leaders that inspire me and hold the new paradigm visions. And this is what I hold onto.

Old ways are dying and we are paving the ways for the new. It’s so exciting.

There’s nothing to fear. 

How I honour my feelings

As I reflect back on where I was not so long ago, how disconnected from my body and feelings I was, I remember that scared girl. Who felt like she was too much. Who was called crazy, emotional, unstable. So she hid her truth.

This is something that still comes up.

As I sat at the beach this morning writing in my journal I had one of my embodied dance playlists on in the background. 

As one song came on I felt myself getting up to move. I had all this energy building and I had to move it out.

I felt my hands moving along my throat a lot. Clearing the energy about not feeling safe to express. Holding myself.

And soon after I was safely held in my loving embrace. Hands-on heart, grateful for giving myself this space.

I then jumped in the ocean and allowed myself to be cleansed by her calming, subtle waves.

At that moment I really had to acknowledge how far I’ve come. Not so long ago I would’ve felt so awkward doing that in public. I would’ve been so worried about what other people might think. But today, I’m so in tune with following the eros, trusting in what my body needs, listening, and holding space.

I’m constantly being reminded that I hold all the answers I need within. That we are all worthy of this level of love. When we take the time and space to cultivate this from the inside, the more we attract it from the outside.

Because we all are love. And it’s love that will get us through these challenging times.

We were born for this.