The hardest addiction I’ve ever had to break

In a world of constant pings and notifications, have we become nothing more than prisoners of our own devices? I’ve recently been doing a lot of thinking about social media and the impact it has had on my life. And this led me to decide I’m stepping back from social media.

Whilst there’s been a lot of benefits. The biggest one being that it allowed me to quit the corporate world and start an online business. Giving me the freedom to spend my days working from wherever I choose and doing what I love. For that, I’ll be forever grateful. 

But there’s a downside. A fast paced, consumer driven world, wanting everything now. We’ve lost our ability to wait. Navigating boundaries. Pouring our precious time into these machines that suck out our life force. Putting everyone else’s needs above our own. There have been times when I wouldn’t go to bed until I had responded to every last message and email. Then the first thing I’d do upon waking was pick up my phone and overnight more notifications had poured through. Thankfully I’m not that extreme anymore, but I’m still online a lot. 

My primary vices — Instagram & Facebook. 

Most of the time I’m actually creating rather than consuming. Which is my other justification. I’m here serving a purpose. I enjoy creating. 

But when I really stop and think about why do we do it. It always comes down to there being this underlying need for validation, to be seen (for most of us anyway). We broadcast every minute of our day out to the world to give our lives some sense of meaning.

And for those of us who work online, the lines get blurred. Justifying our addictions as necessary because it’s ‘work’. If my audience doesn’t hear from me 5000 times in a day they’ll forget me, they’ll choose someone else over me…

Is this really what our lives have become? 

So lately I’ve been thinking… could I actually get off social media?

Who am I beyond this social media identity I’ve created?

This question has been plaguing me a lot lately. Who am I? Why do I feel the need to show up on these platforms so much?

What if I stopped sharing so much of myself? Giving so much away? Would people still want to work with me? Would my business still thrive?

What if I shared less, created more mystery? Wouldn’t that magnetise more people to me?

I’ve finally reached a space where I want to create again, where I’m ready to put offers out, and yet I find myself wanting to retreat. Am I hiding because I’m about to get everything I want? Or is this an invitation, to go completely against the grain of what we’re meant to do in marketing, trust those soul nudges, and show people you can run an online business without the need to blast your entire life on social media?

I’ve been doing this for 5 years and the truth is, I’m tired. The constant notifications. The messages on multiple platforms. Everyone wanting pieces of me.

I see other people taking breaks and I feel envious. I tell myself “I wish I could do that.” But who’s to say I can’t?

I’m only controlled by my own limitations. The beliefs that tell me you have to show up consistently if you want clients to find you.

But what if I truly leaned in, surrendered, and trusted in the magic of energetics? That the people who are meant to work with me will find me regardless of how much I post, because they’ll simply feel drawn to me.

I attended Tony Robbin’s Unleash The Power Within (UPW) seminar last weekend. During one of the days he shared a quote that really stood out to me…

So… what if my results are less dependent on how much energy I put into these platforms that often feel like they’re sucking the life force out of me, and more about what I do behind the scenes?

My life is full of magic, ritual, ceremony, but am I diminishing its power by my constant need to share it?

What am I trying to prove?

How much of my worth is being tied to the response I receive from people on these platforms?

I’ve convinced myself I’m making a difference. I’m inspiring people. I’m contributing to something greater than myself. And I know there is an element of that.

But I’ve also tried to convince myself I don’t care about likes and comments. That I post just for me. Because I like to have a platform to share my creative expression. I like looking back on memories and seeing how much I’ve evolved. In the same breath I find myself checking back every few minutes after posting to see who has engaged. 

Instagram has found a way to penetrate every crevice of my life. When I’m happy I share, when I’m sad I share, bored, working, processing, adventuring… I’m constantly thinking of what to share next. When I journal it’s often with the intention of finding something good to post about .And instead of sharing my musings and exciting news with the people closest to me, the first thing I do is go to pick up my phone to blast it out to my stories.

Maybe there’s an element of loneliness. Of not having that special someone to share my news with, so I broadcast it to the world instead. In hope of being seen by the person I most long to be recognised by. When I receive that validation I’m happy. And when I don’t, my mind goes wild, I can’t concentrate. I can waste hours replaying my own content, just waiting for that hit.

And now I’ve recognised this pattern, I’ve started to wonder, if my constant sharing is at the expense of my own wellbeing, is it worth it? I’m not so sure anymore. Yes, there’s plenty of people I can help with my shares, but what about helping myself first? After all, how much help are we when we’re pouring from an empty cup?

Am I enough?

I’ve been deep in the shadows, the trauma, the inner child work, the healing, for some time now. And each time I uncover new layers I find myself wanting to share, to hopefully inspire others to want to do the work too.

But a deeper layer I’ve uncovered recently, is all of this comes back to my core wounding of:

“I’m not enough”

“I have to perform if I want to be loved”

A belief I’ve carried since I was 5. After years of being the centre of everyone’s world, this little girl became less significant.

Siblings and cousins were on the scene and the world no longer revolved around her. She had to beg for her parents’ attention, be loud, constantly trying to impress them, desperately just wanting to be seen and heard.

In my school years this looked like being the model student. Following all the rules, pushing myself to be top of the class, and receive all the awards and accolades.

In my late teens it was more rebellious. Skipping uni, drinking, partying. Following the crowd, trying to fit in, to be ‘cool’.

In my 20’s it was through my sexuality. I thought I was in my power, comparing myself to Samantha from Sex and the City, convincing myself I knew what I was doing but getting hurt over and over. Tying my worth to my body and the attention I got from boys.

Recognition, drugs, alcohol, sex, social media… One addiction replaced by another addiction. A repeating pattern. And I’m ready to break free from those stories.

To know:

“I am enough even when I don’t perform”

“I am loved just by being”

To really feel this deep within my soul. And to be more discerning with how much of me I give away.

This realisation came through loud and clear during a vocal activation session with one of my friends last week. After spending the weekend clearing a lot of old beliefs, I went into this session feeling ready to dig deeper and clear more wounds. And that’s exactly what we did.

I left feeling clearer than ever. I’ve been wanting to pull back from social media for some time, but I’ve always come through with excuses as to why I can’t. Now my heart is screaming for me to do it.

Could less actually be more?

I wonder, what if I saved my shares for the people closest to me, those that genuinely want to hear from me, wouldn’t it be more potent? More sacred? To share with a few, rather than people on the internet I barely even know?

And in sharing less freely and openly, won’t I create the space that shows people my energy is precious and there has to be an equal energetic exchange if you’re going to receive from me?

Then there’s the voice that says “but Jade, you’re about to launch a new program. Is it really wise to go offline?”

Maybe that’s the final piece. The whole unfolding of Creatrix Codes has been a coming home to myself, a learning how to express myself, trust myself, be myself, share myself.

And maybe this is what will tie it all together. A leaning in, to show you, when you step away from all the noise, disconnect from the devices, reconnect to YOU, you become an even clearer channel of creativity.

A deep listening, a deep knowing, a deep trusting of yourself.

In stepping away from the distractions, I can allow myself the space to give this creation the full attention she desires. I’ve been doing this for a few days now, and already more ideas are flowing through me.

For most people, showing up online is daunting.

For me, it’s second nature. I have no qualms going on my stories or lives and expressing myself. I get certainty, knowing that when I share I will achieve the significance I’m seeking. It’s my safety net, a place I go to distract myself, to feel less alone.

So what if I stripped that away? Wouldn’t that be more of a challenge? It’s stepping into unknown territory.

I don’t really know what this looks like. But I do know how calm I felt last weekend when I wasn’t so attached to my phone. And how as soon as the event was over I slipped straight back into my habit of reaching for it.

Maybe I’ll still post, maybe I’ll take a break. Maybe I’ll return to platforms like this, my blog, and my email list, where I can write without limitations. Maybe I’ll just create for myself. I look forward to seeing what unfolds for me and sharing along the way.

Ultimately, it’s more a releasing of pressure. Letting go of control. A surrendering and stepping further into the unknown. To uncover more of the mysteries buried inside my soul.

And a permission slip for anyone else who’s perhaps been feeling that call. It doesn’t have to look a certain way. You get to make the rules.